Charles Carreon’s Hidden Assets

Written By: Tara Carreon

Charles says this guitar is named Justine. First I ever heard of it.

This guitar Charles is playing is easily worth a Million dollars, because he owns it, and he’s so great!  That other guitar behind him is worth at least $750,000, but it’s not amplified. The amplifier (which you can’t see), is worth $3 Million dollars, because it’s from a secret, hidden factory in Manchester, England, where all the screws are left to absorb the vibrations emanating from Marc Bolan’s grave.  (Some people think Charles is emulating Slash with his tophat, but it’s really Marc Bolan he’s emulating, and you know what a fuck-up he was!) Oh, but I’m not done with cataloguing all the hidden assets.  In the top left corner is a priceless painting Charles plucked like an overripe prickly pear at an Indian trading post for $50, if you can believe that. The guy has no shame. He knew it was worth $5 Million dollars if it’s worth a dime. I know he really thinks so, because the night he brought it home, he kept checking in the back yard for burglars, brandishing his .44 magnum lever action like he was the reincarnation of Geronimo, or something. Now, all those pencil drawings above his right shoulder are an incredible limited edition of Argentine gauchos done by an artist whose name, if you knew it, would blow your mind.  Massive wealth, just in that one black frame. It would go at Sothebys for seven figures, easily. But he’s not about to let you take all that away.  It was hard-stole, and ain’t no one stealing it back.


Charles Carreon in studly pose with Che Guevara tie, Marc Bolan’s tophat, and K-Mart floatie

When Charles isn’t rockin’ out, he’s workin’ out, as you can tell from this buff and studly stance that I dare Ken White to emulate. He’d have to get a special floatie for his little curly tail to stick through, and I don’t think Paul Levy would go any place without a cucumber in his pants, so swimming is probably out for him. (Showers are okay.)

Pointing Saguaro

I solemnly swear, it’s over there

This saguaro points the way to the first landmark on the secret map that Charles has tattooed on his scrotum, that will lead to the unimaginable wealth that Steve Cohen bequeathed to Charles Carreon in honor of his own defeat. Gary Kremen always wondered where the money went. Find this saguaro, and get a shot of Charles’ nutsack, and all will be revealed.


The Captain on the Bridge

There are genuine, pristine Ramones albums with untouched vinyl inside them (Pleasant Dreams is visible over his left shoulder, and you can’t see End of the Century), signed by the four original Ramones, Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee and Marky. At the Country Club show the night after they signed the albums, Johnny totally recognized us in the front row of the audience. He looked simultaneously curious and angry. It was a great night. Everyone was sober because the Country Club had lost their liquor license, but there were still fights. Those Valley moshpits are insane. I thought Charles would never emerge alive. He’s dislocated his shoulder twice in Ramones moshpits. Those are memories you can’t pay for. But at any rate, how much do you think those albums are worth, anyway? Well, they’re not Charles’.  I bought them on my credit card.

Charles’ literary treasures are priceless. Like most poetry, Charles’ goes unread by most, but unlike most poetry, it’s comprehensible. It’s really weird that way. You can actually understand what he’s saying. And it’s often funny. Click here to read some. His essays as The Arizona Kid will someday be recognized as beacons of sanity during dark years. Hard to tell what that’s worth. His musical ouevre is still developing.